SCARCITY THINKING is not a compass. Stop “traveling” according to it.
Just because there is game in the woods does not mean it will feed and clothe you. Just because there is wood in the forest does not mean a fire will burn.
You can’t continue to grab at everything (or everyone for that matter) in hopes it will sooth & sustain you.
Most people do not love as deeply as you do.
It doesn’t make you stupid, it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you RARE. Resist the urge to change and don’t numb. Instead, put your energy into finding your people. People who love like you.
Also, remember; this heart of yours which always seems to have you in ruin, is the same heart that has SAVED YOUR LIFE on multiple occassions.
Suffering is not a prerequisite for change.
You can say “no” and you can leave, not because a situation is killing you, but simply because you are unmoved, uninspired and you know that you are WORTHY of joy and excitement.
Resist the urge to settle.
David, note to self: When someone tells you they don’t deserve you, BELIEVE THEM. Cultivating a sense of worthiness is a solo endeavor, and you can’t do it for anyone else other than yourself. Keep your head up. Be hurt but not hopeless. Remember there is always more love.
An exercise in healing and letting go. Reliving some good times:
1) I remember the first time I caught you staring at me. I could have died from your warmth that day. All I knew was your name, but you felt so close. It felt so intimate to be looked at in the eyes. To not have my body appraised. To have you look at me and feel my insides shift in a way that was not sexual, but was emotional. I never knew I could be so soft. I never knew someone like me even had that type of softness, that type of letting go and letting in as an option.
2) I think it was the third time we had seen each other we went on an aimless walk. I was so nervous to speak in Português with you. I was so judgmental. But you continued to look me in the eyes and let me know that mistakes were welcome. That I didn’t have to be perfect in order to be seen. And I remember how you never interrupted me. You always let me finish my sentences even if I cut you off. It felt so good to be seen AND heard that day.
When we departed we hugged. You kissed me on my left cheek and in a rush of emotion I went for your mouth. I remember the way your hands felt in my hair and on the back of my neck. I remember what the curve in the small of your back felt like pressed against my palms. I could have stayed on that corner all afternoon. I would have stood there until my knees gave out.
3) I remember the first time I went to the bar to meet all of your friends. Every one was calling me “David Famoso”. It felt so good to know that they already knew who I was. I felt special. We sat against the wall and kissed and stared at each other and smiled. So much of the night I actually think we spent in silence and stillness with the world moving around us. I remember talking to you candidly about love and sex as best as I could in Português and us talking about what we were looking for and that we both wanted something real. I remember taking pictures of you as you sketched on a note pad. It was perhaps the first time that I was so happy, gratitude actually gave me pause.
4) I remember the first time we made love. And I don’t use that term loosely. Your gaze was still unfaltering. You looked at me as if even blinking would cause me to evaporate. I was self conscious about my body having not shaved, and you made me feel so beautiful. You made me feel so cherished. It was the first time I had ever had sex where I didn’t feel like I had to hold my stomach in or find flattering angles. It was my first taste of freedom sexually.
In between starting and stopping over and over, we had conversations about abandonment and being honest. You said you wouldn’t run away from me. I said the same thing in return.
I came and you didn’t. That would continue to hang over my head. I would devote the rest of my time with you to ensuring your Orgasm as if the entire construct of my masculinity depended on it. (Oddly enough you would later confess that you didn’t feel like you were enough for me sexually and I intimidated you.)
We moved to the shower and you washed my body with hands so tender I cried. I put my face under the shower head so you wouldn’t notice.
5) I remember I was really anxious about life in general. I couldn’t find myself in Português. You told me to speak in English. Even if you didn’t understand, it was just important that I speak.
At one point I said that I’m grateful that I have to speak in Português with you because I can’t hide behind words in Português like I can in English. It forces me to be more transparent and direct.
You said you knew some English and you would begin speaking in English because you didn’t want to hide either.
IT WAS THEN THAT I LOVED YOU.
6) I remember we spent three days in your apartment doing nothing. Or rather doing everything. We did astrology, numerology, cooked, skyped with your friend in Germany. I felt so at peace with you. I felt so at HOME with you. And even after spending two days straight with you, I still missed you when I left.
7) I remember your birthday. I had a meltdown from all the new faces and all the Português. I remember I found someone who was learning English and we spoke for a while. You kept coming back to check in on me. You didn’t say anything, you would just come back into the room to make sure I was okay. That meant EVERYTHING. That kind of care and attention and concern for my emotional well being.
Later after my conversation with your friend, we moved to the kitchen and I thanked you for not running away from me. For not denying my core. You grabbed my face, kissed me and whispered “I love you” over and over again. That was the first time you had said it. Though I knew you loved me, it was still great to hear it.
We would later have oral sex in the pantry of that apartment while the party continued.
8) I remember we were at your house in the country for more of your birthday celebration. We sat on your bed and unpacked the ways in which I was feeling neglected and needed some alone time with you, away from the crowd and the noise. You apologized and said you understood. You said you were still learning me. I thanked you for listening and you told me “someone has to.” After a long pause you grabbed my face and kissed my face over and over repeating “anything for you”.
1) Though he broke my heart (Damn- it hurt so much more than I thought it would. I fell so hard so soon) at least he finally found the courage to talk to me. It’s funny; even though I felt the slow burn in the corners of my eyes as he spoke, it felt good to be around him. Closest we had been to each other in what felt like a very long time.
2) Grateful that my feet didn’t hurt today.
3) Grateful that though I still have my hip injury, I am able to take full class now. A month ago walking hurt. I can’t dance like I want to right now but I can dance.
4) Grateful that the Cuban Director is working so hard to help me with visa stuff and assisting me as I try to make my transition into dancing professionally full time. It feels good to be cared for.
5) Grateful for my new room and my new neighborhood much closer to the city. I can walk everywhere and that saved time and money.
6) For the series of voice messages I have on What’s App. Hearing familiar voices makes me feel less alone.
7) Grateful for sunshine.
8) He broke my heart today, but he showed me things no one ever had before and he came closer than anyone had ever even dared. I’m grateful for the intimacy that once was.
(In no particular order other than the order in which they came to me)
1) I want for this to be my last semester teaching English. I want to get up each day with a feeling of anticipation for what lies ahead, not avoidance or dread. I want my life to be filled to the brim with creativity as opposed to Grammar exercises.
2) I want my own studio apartment, which I think here is called a “kitchette”. I need my own space. No more room rentals with strangers. I desire comfort and freedom. Freedom from having to police my habits. Freedom from the fear that I am making too much noise or taking up much space. Freedom from having to quarantine myself to the four walls of my room when I need privacy to do personal work/self-repair.
3) To no longer be paying for dance. I want to be in rehearsals with a barre daily. It would be very affirming to get paid TO dance consistently as opposed to paying FOR dance consistently. I am worth the money, and it also be great for morale to pay rent, buy groceries, clothes etc. with money I earned dancing as opposed to teaching English. It would make me feel like I was doing something right.
4) Get more comfortable asking for things that I need, especially in the realm of emotional needs, but also professionally in terms of asking for opportunity and guidance. I would like to learn to believe that I am worthy of effort and that me having needs and expressing those needs is not a carnal sin or an inconvenience to others.
5) Update my narrative. There are moments when I catch myself talking about myself and I realize how self destructive my language is. What has happened to me is not a reflection of who I was then, and is certainly not a reflection of who I am now. I would like to cultivate a more loving, more compassionate and less flippant personal narrative.
6) To not let fear, anxiety and scarcity drive my decision making. Or if nothing else have them drive LESS of my decision making. I want to be able to find that place of clarity inside me much quicker when it is time to make decisions.
7) Complete my book and shop it around to publishers. This is important because in writing this book and releasing it publicly, it will be a way of me validating my own story, experience and existence.
8) Make one friend here. A real friend, a kindred spirit. A person where being with them feels like home and there is a mutual understanding. Someone who values connection and the sharing of experiences.
9) To have enough financially. Not abundance but enough. And I am well aware the enough expands and contracts according to ones life and lifestyle. Having enough would make me feel safer.
10) A healthy mutual love rooted in communication with a man who is CLEAR, HONEST and is not afraid of being afraid. A man with courage who knows what he wants. A man for whom I am an urgent priority. A man who makes me feel seen, heard, special and values closeness and intimacy as much as I do.
11) To enroll in a Português class so I can build confidence in the language and learn in a nurturing environment.
"10 fingers press into my shoulders
Your hands burn as they touch
8 days since we’ve last spoken
And still, the break was not enough
After 6 missed calls this morning
All your exhales have a thunder
The 4 lines across your forehead new to me
I start to wonder
When 2 hearts are synced in rhythm
After all the joy we’ve known
How could 1 betray our bond so easily
Leaving the remainder to stand
"You were so charming, so sweet & polite
‘Til I fell for you & you dropped me twice”