davidinwanderlust

dancing. delicate. daring. deliberate. dreamer. deep. detailed. dynamic. dramatic. david. // A secondary blog to my Vision Board: rainbowsinmyclouds.tumblr.com
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FOURTEEN.

“‘Your cum tastes like mint.’

And just like that

You had me.”

THIRTEEN.

"I lay on your chest
Head heavy
Weaving a lie.

We both knew I was cheating.

'You deserve better than me', I purr discretely before hiding my face again.

A full-bodied silence.

I lose my breath
In the stacatto
Of your heartbeat.

'I don't want better, David. I want you.'

*

And I wanted out.

*

We
Were
Doomed.”

TWELVE.

"Against all better judgement,
I fought for you
with everything I had
I fought for you
Hard

Battle after battle,
Weary but valiant,
I fought you
for you
I fought you
to keep you

But to no avail.

You were ruthless.

Possibility and hope were gunned down in the trenches execution style.

My determination gutted by your shame and pain.

I buried things I didn’t even know I had.

And optimism is still under reconstruction.
Tenacity still missing in action.

Inhibition now reigns supreme.

Losing you ruined me.

But I shudder to think what would have become of me had you stayed.”

ELEVEN.

"In moments of stillness
I swear I can feel your moods
Soul ties”

TEN.

"Dear New York City,
If I’m not careful
I’ll say your name
When asked of ‘Home’”

EIGHT.

"Anticipation
Its only a matter of
time before I snap

Hopeless equation
Unsure of how to escape
Lonliness’ trap”

SEVEN.

"Sometimes I’m not
As bold as I seem
My daring feels crushed
Under the wheels of routine”

4.11.14

SIX.

"My heart’s in my mouth
Muffling sounds of red screams.
Throat pounds from fury.”

So, Danielle LaPorte has a book out right now (which I have not actually read because I’m in Brazil and English books are no where to be found) called “The Desire Map”.

The general premise of the book is to have you set goals (and in general live life) according to what you want to FEEL. The hypothesis, which I believe to be true, is that we set goals, not because we actually want whatever the thing is but because we want to feel something.

For example, someone may have a goal to make six figures by 35 and Danielle LaPorte would encourage them to explore that and perhaps what that person really wants to feel is a sense of abundance. Or power.

As someone is very goal oriented and also places a lot of pressure on himself to achieve things by a certain time, this has been helpful to me because it has enabled me to loosen the slack on my “I must accomplish THIS by 30” and get more into “I would like to FEEL this way by 30.” There’s more agency for me in the second option.

Also, how many of us have set a goal, and then accomplished the goal only to find out that it didn’t make us feel as good as we thought it would. The Desire Map is helping us avoid that.

So there’s ton of videos online of her talking about the Desire Map and even taking you through meditations and exercises.

As of now, my 5 Core Desired Feelings that I will be trying on for size are:

1) In alignment
2) Forthright
3) Inspired
4) Dynamic
5) Piquant

I ran up against two major walls while doing this exercise.

1) The first was that I expected my core desired feelings to be the simpliest words. For example I thought “free” was one of my core desired feelings but “dynamic” felt more appropriate. It gives me the FREEDOM to move and change, but “dynamic” also has connotations of building and growing. And at it’s core, my freedom is about progress.

Or I thought another one of my core desired feelings was “honest”. But “forthright” felt more appropriate. Because many times I have been “honest” with myself and not others. “Forthright” is about the expression of that honesty; it’s about being seen and being direct.

2) The other wall was, I thought that my core desires feelings were supposed to be agreeable and serene. Something Eckhart Tolle approved. A lot of my core desired feels are very strongs words: “forthright”, “dynamic”, “piquant” even “inspired” when you really think about it. Very strong and active words. I realize that my true nature is hot. My true nature is strong. My true nature involves taking up space and stirring things up. In being stirred up. And there is no shame in that. There is no shame in not being cool and quiet and calm, and I should not force myself to push for that when it’s something I’m really not interested in.

I’m going to reflect on these and hopefully put them up some place visible so I am confronted with my anchors daily. So that I can make better decisions in alignment with how I truly want to feel.